Dear Janet Napolitano, Please Don’t Arrest Me

Dear Janet,

I hope you don’t mind my using your first name to address you. If you would prefer “Secretary,” we can go there, but, woman to woman, I’m in favor of avoiding old stereotypical titles, and, “secretary,” well, don’t you think that’s a bit demeaning? Anyway. I’m sure you have your hands full getting coffee and filing things for the Department of Homeland Security, and no time for formal titles and nonsense. Besides, we are practically sisters, as you undoubtedly already know everything there is to know about me, and I’ve seen your face so many times in the news and online that I would possibly recognize it in person. I’m not sure. I’m really bad with faces.

So, sis. I just wanted to fill you in on my morning, because I wouldn’t want there to be any lingering misunderstanding between us. The fact that I was Googling “United States arsenal interior view,” “Inside a military armory,” and “How does the United States store and guard its military weapons” this morning is really nothing to be worried about. Honest.

You likewise need not worry about my sudden fascination with flamethrowers, acid guns, and various forms of chemical warfare, not even when you discover that most of my searches begin with the words “Can I build” and end with “at home.”

And when I asked for information on “What is an EMP” and “Does EMP kill people” and “How to build an EMP”? No worries, mon. Everything will be okay.

Seriously. Don’t worry about it. I would explain why, but it’s top secret. I don’t reveal my projects until they’re launched, you see.

We cool?



P.S. Dear writers: What questionable Internet searches have you performed recently in the name of novel research?

P.P.S. In case you need to know how to build an EMP for your book, I’ve saved you some trouble. Here you go. It’s in German. Awesome.

P.P.P.S. Seriously SERIOUSLY, NSA/Homeland Security/CIA/Other Faceless Government agencies SERIOUSLY, I’m kidding. I mean, not about the searches. I really did search for those things. It’s for RESEARCH. I’m writing a BOOK. Not THAT kind of book, no. No no no. The fictional kind. It’s for my characters. In a fictional society. Don’t you people have a sense of humor?

P.P.P.P.S. I’m actually kind of scared right now. Maybe I shouldn’t have posted this.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Anyone know how I can get a tour of an active-duty armory? Or learn to actually operate a flamethrower?